The Monster in my Life

Life's interferance

2004-09-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

Well it has been a while. I guess I have been wrapped up in life. That happens sometimes. Things have been pretty crazy around here with the kids and all the school activities. My son is playing pee-wee football this year. He looks so cute in his uniform but don?t tell him I said that. My oldest daughter is in beginner band this year which is added one more payment to our monthly bills but she is having fun so I guess that is all that matters. And my four year old has started going to the church group on Wednesday nights with the older two which makes her feel big and important. So I guess on the outside we appear to be a normal happy family. On the inside however I wouldn?t really call it normal.
Financially we are drowning. No I am not talking about not being able to take the vacation to the Bahamas, I?m talking about not being able to pay the rent or put food on the table. For anyone who has ever been in this situation you know how scary it is and how heartbreaking it is to have to continually tell your children no. For anyone who has never been in this situation count your blessings. For example the last time I wrote I think I mentioned that my kids were going to be in 4H, they were really excited. So my husband went to the bank to get a loan to by the animals, feed and whatnot. Well big surprise the bank said h*** no so we went to the family banker. Not smart but we were desperate. He said of course no problem, then after leaving us waiting for two weeks (I had to call him) he turned us down. Apparently moving his boat to another location is more important than opening a bank account for his grandchildren so that they would be able to participate with their friends. Not really a big surprise for me but I still haven?t had the nerve to tell the kids. By the way while we are speaking of him I should also add that the more he talks about moving to this other location the more nervous I get. In a fairy tale world he would move away and we would never have to deal with him again. But in the real world I just can?t help thinking that he is not going to want to leave without his ?boy?. It keeps me on my toes though. I am having female problems again. I am to the point were I am ready for them to yank it all out but my husband is still holding on to the idea that there is another way. As admirable as this is I truly believe that if he were in my shoes it would be a different story. But there is no sense in dwelling on that since I don?t have enough money to go back to the doctor anyway.
Then to top it all off, I am extremely worried about my oldest daughter. She has learning problems and is in Special Ed in school. For the past three years that she has lived with us it has been a roller coaster ride but we have been involved with the school and were led to believe that she has been making tremendous progress. Well I don?t know if it is the fact that every time we have a school meeting they spout off test scores that you have to have a PHD to understand or if it is the fact that we really didn?t want to face the facts, but last week the facts hit me on the head. First let me tell you that when the school talks about her progress it is always about what she is going to be doing that semester or that year. My husband and I on several occasions have expressed our concern for her future beyond school, and have always been reassured. Maybe that is why we were blinded to the truth. With all of that said let me first tell you that she is beautiful and kind, she is in the 5th grade this year and will be 11 in December. The problem is that no matter what all of these test scores say she still cannot add or subtract, she can not tell time on a standard clock, she cannot count backwards from ten and is still reading on a first grade level. I personally am deeply disturbed by all of this. I am pleased that the school thinks she is the smartest kid in Special Ed but am still left wondering what kind of future she is going to have if she doesn?t even have the most basic skills. At this point in time working at a grocery store is not even an option because she doesn?t know how to count money. Wait back up, she can count money if it is lying on a table but if you ask her how much three quarters and a dime make she can not tell you. This concerns me for several reasons. First as a parent I want all of my kids to grow up and have a chance for a future (college). Second I don?t want my kids to be thirty something and be struggling to pay their rent and feed their kids the way we are now and I certainly don?t want to have to support them for the rest of their lives. But I guess the thing that gets me the most is that this is a school and correct me if I'm wrong but doesn?t that mean they are supposed to be teaching our children? It is so frustrating because they just keep on passing her through the system. We have even discussed holding her back but the school doesn?t think that?s a good idea because it would be to embarrassing for her. Don?t get me wrong I am concerned about her feelings but I would much rather her suffer some embarrassment now than to have her graduate high school not knowing how to add. Sounds logical doesn?t it? Well try explaining that to the people with the teaching certificates who think they know it all. Maybe money won?t buy happiness but it would certainly pay for us to get her the help that she needs. Yes I am aware that there are people in the world suffering more than we are. I am not asking for a castle in the sky, just to be able to give my children a decent future. My husband is still searching for a better job and has followed quite a few leads but nothing has panned out yet. But I am still praying everyday (sometimes two or three times a day) to anyone who will listen. Sometimes that is all you can do.

My Search

2004-08-28T20:50:00.000-05:00

Last night I was thinking about things that have happened this past week.
Since all of this started I have been on a search. A search to find out what?s wrong with me, a search to find out what is wrong with my marriage and a search to find a way to mend my broken heart. I have been running around like an idiot again trying to fix everything. But last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. There is nothing wrong with me. I am the same person I was when he said ?I do?. As much as I hate to admit it, I have done all I can do and now it is up to him. I could lose 20 lbs and I could dye my hair the same color as hers and we can continue to have fabulous nights in bed together. But if he doesn?t love me and doesn?t want our marriage to succeed then it doesn?t really matter what I do. It would be like trying to cage an animal that is only waiting for that one chance to escape. But on the other hand if he does love me and I believe he does then he has to prove his love for me. As much as I want my heart to mend and for us to be able to move on, I have finally realized that I can not be the mender. He is the one that has to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to glue them back together. I hate not being able to fix this on my own and I hate not having control over this situation. It is scary as hell to relinquish custody of your heart to someone else. Especially when that someone is responsible for breaking it. But to be real honest when it comes to my husband and my heart I never really had that much control.
We have talked in great lengths and I have done the best I can to clue him into what I need from him to feel better. Yes marriage is give and take, but I feel as though I have given freely for the past eight years. I?m sure I sound like a witch right now but I feel like its my turn to take, and I will take whatever he offers and hold on to it with every oz of strength I have left. Yes I realize he is not Superman but I have been very specific about what I need, and he knows what he has to do if he wants this to work. There is however one more thing I will give before I become stingy. I will give him the broken pieces of my heart. If he does not love me he will decide it is not worth the trouble and throw them in the trash. But on the up side, if he decides to dig deep within himself to find the glue to put everything back together again; our relationship will be stronger than ever.
So here I stand broken, vulnerable and completely exposed waiting to see what tomorrow brings.

2004-08-11T20:46:00.000-05:00

Last night I was thinking about things that have happened this past week.
Since all of this started I have been on a search. A search to find out what?s wrong with me, a search to find out what is wrong with my marriage and a search to find a way to mend my broken heart. I have been running around like an idiot again trying to fix everything. But last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. There is nothing wrong with me. I am the same person I was when he said "I do". As much as I hate to admit it, I have done all I can do and now it is up to him. I could lose 20 lbs and I could dye my hair the same color as hers and we can continue to have fabulous nights in bed together. But if he doesn?t love me and doesn?t want our marriage to succeed then it doesn?t really matter what I do. It would be like trying to cage an animal that is only waiting for that one chance to escape. But on the other hand if he does love me and I believe he does then he has to prove his love for me. As much as I want my heart to mend and for us to be able to move on, I have finally realized that I can not be the mender. He is the one that has to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to glue them back together. I hate not being able to fix this on my own and I hate not having control over this situation. It is scary as hell to relinquish custody of your heart to someone else. Especially when that someone is responsible for breaking it. But to be real honest when it comes to my husband and my heart I never really had that much control.
We have talked in great lengths and I have done the best I can to clue him into what I need from him to feel better. Yes marriage is give and take, but I feel as though I have given freely for the past eight years. I?m sure I sound like a witch right now but I feel like its my turn to take, and I will take whatever he offers and hold on to it with every oz of strength I have left. Yes I realize he is not Superman but I have been very specific about what I need, and he knows what he has to do if he wants this to work. There is however one more thing I will give before I become stingy. I will give him the broken pieces of my heart. If he does not love me he will decide it is not worth the trouble and throw them in the trash. But on the up side, if he decides to dig deep within himself to find the glue to put everything back together again; our relationship will be stronger than ever.
So here I stand broken, vulnerable and completely exposed waiting to see what tomorrow brings.

A Time to Wait

2004-08-10T13:51:00.000-05:00

Well first things first. Concerning my last entry, after my husband read it I was embarrassed but we talked. I shared some things with him about my past which is something I don't like to do. Especially a certain someone in my past. But he said it helped him to see why I am the way I am. So I guess that is a good thing. We have also shared some pretty steamy nights since then. All of this is good but I still feel that I am the one that has to initiate things most of the time. I know he is enjoying himself, but the continued joking about my increased appetite has begun to bring me down some. Yes maybe I am hitting my prime but it's pretty pathetic if you have to beg for it. My need is not really fixing the problem. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining about our times together they have been wonderful. Its just I'm still searching for the spark in his eye and I am realizing that I wont find it unless I back off and let him have a chance to prove its still there. So as much as I hate to I guess I need to hang back for a while. I guess only time will tell. I will never give up my search I'm just going to rest for awhile.
The kids are getting ready to go back to school. Even though it gives me more time for myself it always seems like the school year is always so hectic. There are so many more things that have to be done. The one really good thing is that my son being in school means less contact with my father. This is always a good thing. Speaking of my father,? The family business? went bust. I knew it would, I?m just surprised it happened this soon. My dad got mad at my soon to be brother-in-law and pulled all the funding and product. This is precisely why we don't do more things together as a family, because we don't like each other. It?s ok though because my husband and I have decided to spend all of our free time now trying to get our businesses started. We are slowly coming to the conclusion that that is our only guaranteed way out of this town.
I have also come to the conclusion that getting out of here is the only way to completely heal our marriage. A couple of days ago we had to drive through the town ?she? lives in and I cried the whole way through. Just knowing that she has all of our information: address, telephone number, where my husband works and that number gives me no comfort. Finding out from one of her friends that she is already back to her old tricks doesn't help either. As much as I despise people like her I am just afraid of what I will end up doing to her if she shows her face again. So to keep from landing myself in jail it's probably a better choice to leave. There is still the issue of my husband's father being ill but we will work it out. I just desperately need a fresh start. So until then I will continue to pray that God helps us find the right path.

Rejection?

2004-07-31T13:49:00.000-05:00

I am feeling completely and totally rejected right now. Whether those feelings are justified or not I don't know. All I know is that I feel a deep throbbing ache in my heart and I am praying t God to make it stop. My image of myself has always been pretty low but due to recent events in my life I have sunk even further. Being teased in grade school is one thing, but feeling as though your husband, your partner for life is not attracted to you is something completely different. Ever since I found out he kissed another woman I have been acting like a complete idiot. I have done things to myself that I would never discuss with anyone to try to be more desirable to him. Only to be left feeling even more unattractive than I originally thought I was. Left feeling really stupid and embarrassed.
Night before last by accident again, I came across some things in my husband's computer that were questionable. Nothing major, just some links to porn sites and a web cam movie he had made (supposedly for me). I questioned him about theses things and explained that at this point in time to think about him reading stories or looking at pictures of other women made me really uncomfortable. He agreed and took everything off the computer. We talked a little more about the movie he had made. He said he had made it on a night that I had been bolder in bed than I usually am thinking about me. I was a little embarrassed but extremely flattered. That night we made love, but after it was over I still wasn't completely satisfied. We stayed up for an hour or so longer, during witch I tried using hints to convey that I was still in the mood. He either didn't notice or wasn't interested. Either way I went to bed feeling disappointed. I couldn't sleep so as soon as I knew he was sleeping soundly I got out of bed. I was thinking about what he had said about liking my bolder side, so I got this really dumb idea. I wrote him a note. Contents are not important, let's just say it was pretty bold. I imagined him reading it at work. Sitting all day thinking about being with me. So the next day as he was leaving I slipped it into his pocket and told him to read it when he was alone. I thought about him all day. Wondering what he was thinking about. Wondering how he would greet me when he came home. I even hoped that sometime during the day or evening he would call me to let me know he was turned on. But the phone call never came, and instead of coming in and pulling me into his arms like I had imagined, he sat down and told me about a new co-worker and about a possible job promotion then he finally told me that he liked my note. I waited a couple of hours to see if anything would transpire between us, but finally gave up and told him I was going to bed. He told me goodnight and brushed up against me during our kiss giving me renewed hope. Only to stop, say goodnight again and watch me leave the room. He slept on the couch so he would be able to hear the computer alarm clock. (The other two we have only work half the time.) So I went to bed alone. Feeling very much alone, but with a new found hope that he might be waiting to surprise me when he thought I was completely settled in bed. I don't really know how long I laid waiting but he never came. I didn't sleep much. I was up and down all night. When I thought I heard his alarm go off, I quickly nestled back into bed hoping he would come in and join me. After half an hour of waiting I gave up. I got out of bed and thinking about him composed another letter, telling myself that I would wait and see how he acted towards me today. His behavior determining whether or not I decided to slip this bolder more explicit writing in his pocket before he left for work today. When I finally came out of the bedroom I found him still asleep on the couch. I made him coffee (he usually does this for me) and then I did something I hardly ever do. I made the kids breakfast. Hey Martha Stewart I am not. I usually sleep through breakfast. I just thought it would be nice for a change. I only made toast but made sure to make enough for my husband. My hopes were still pretty high to see how the next couple of hours would unfold. Until now that is.
I know this is going to sound completely crazy, but when my husband turned down my offer of toast a feeling of complete rejection swept over my whole body. So maybe he wasn't hungry, but I couldn't help feeling that he had rejected me physically last night and now he was rejecting my breakfast for which I very rarely ever cook. I know this is stupid and I can't believe I'm even sitting here writing it down. I know my husband loves me, but why can't he understand that I need him to need me and want me with the same passion that I feel for him? I want him to want me so bad it hurts. I want him to ache inside for me the way I do for him. Maybe men just don't feel the same way women do. I am just so afraid that the spark he had in his eyes for me is slowly burning out. My next question is can you have a healthy marriage if there is no passion left?
I love my husband very much and I want our marriage to last for the rest of my remaining years on earth, but I just don't know how to get rid of the pain. The deep throbbing ache in my chest, my feelings of inadequacy.
And I know that this is going to sound even more crazy than feeling rejected by toast, but when my husband and this other girl dated they were in high school. Remembering the feelings I had for my first love is pretty intense. I remember the raging hormones and the lust in our eyes. I'm sure he had similar feelings for this girl and it kills me to think of him feeling this way about anyone but me. Especially since I haven't felt like he has had those special feelings for me in a very long time. I guess it is just one of life's cruel little tricks to have males reach their sexual peaks years before the women who love them do.
Over the past year I feel as though I have grown so much as a woman. I have experienced so many new levels with him only to want to go higher than I did the last time, and I am saddened to feel like my flying time is over.
For now I guess I will keep searching for that little spark in his eye when he looks at me. Allowing me to feel strong enough to mend my damaged wings.

Losing the Battle?

2004-07-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

Today I'm sad. I don't know if it's the weather, the fact that I am menstrual, or that my baby turned four yesterday. Probably a combination of all. The weather will change, I will be done with the other sometime this week, but my baby will never be three again. I know I can't keep her little forever, I just wish the years didn't pass by so quickly. School will be starting in about three weeks and I just can't imagine her not being here with me everyday. But I also know if I love her I have to let her spread her wings and fly. That doesn't make it any easier though.
      Yesterday was a good day. We took the kids out and met some friends. The kids had fun. My daughter got her baoons, her presents and cocolate cake. For a couple of hours we actually looked and acted like a normal happy family. It was nice. I realize that there is no way to recapture the past but for the first time in a long time I feel like a future for our family is possible. There will be many more birthdays but this one will stick with me always. I am grateful that my husband and I were able to celebrate the moment together. I will never be able to forget but the 24th will always symbolize the day we started to move forward.
       Since I'm being honest I guess I need to mention the other reason for my crankiness. Today it dawned on me that we are going to be stuck in this town for another year. I knew we were. My husband and I have even discussed buying a house here. I guess a small part of me hoped that we would win the lottery and we would be able to leave. Not a rational dream since we don't play the lottery but nevertheless a dream. Its like wanting, needing to run but realizing your legs are tied together. My father-in-law is ill and I promised that we would stay here for him if we have to and I never break my promises but this town is brain numbing. I just can't breathe here. With each passing year we spend here I see our plans for the future we want slowly slipping away. I'm trying not to settle but sometimes I feel like I'm losing the battle. It makes me sad.

Coping

2004-07-21T22:47:00.000-05:00

I find myself here again typing into cyber space. I have to admit that it does help to get my feelings out but at the same time I never really feel like I get anything solved. At least when you are talking to a person they can offer sympathy or advice but the computer offers no support. There is only the blinking of that little bar when you pause to think. And occasionally that little red squiggly line when you misspell a word or forget a period. But I also learned a long time ago that no one likes a complainer and even family members polite as they may be eventually get tired of hearing about your problems all the time. So here I am. On the evening of the 16th my husband finally decided to confess. I had asked for the truth and boy did I get it. I really need to be more careful about what I ask for. The roller coaster ride that I had been on suddenly did a double loop. According to my husband he had gone to meet her and they kissed. Yes I admit it could have been worse but just the thought of his lips on hers sent me spinning into another dimension. We talked for six hours that night. I screamed, I yelled, I cried and I called him every name in the book. He let me berate him and promised that it was over and that he would never talk to her again and begged me to let him stay. Thinking back on that night it all seems so fuzzy. Like the reality I had once lived in was gone and I could never get it back. Yes I decided to let him stay but only because I no longer had the strength to let him go. But I remember going to bed in the wee hour of that morning wondering what I had done to cause all of this, thinking if I had only been a better wife that this never would have happened. The next day I received a very disturbing phone call. It was her. Her reason for calling was that she just couldn?t deal with the guilt anymore. She filled in some of the details but she also told me some things that he shared with her that will haunt me until the day I die. My husband later that day confirmed most of what she had said but not all. The not all is what hurts. Between two lying cheating people who are you supposed to believe? I now know now that her intension from the start was to destroy my marriage and steal my husband, so I blame her the most. My husband was just stupid enough to fall into her trap and he let his other head take over his brain. But he shared details about our private life with her, things about our kids, things that were sacred to me and this is something that I don?t know if I can ever forgive. Well of course I laid down the law and told him how things were going to be if he wanted to stay and he agreed, but this is not who I am I don?t want to be the warden I just want to be the wife. In the past I was always so grateful that I had found my partner in life but doesn?t having a partner even in business require trust? This is something we don?t have anymore. Every time he comes in late from work I wonder where he is. Every time he goes somewhere I find myself watching the clock. I love my husband and I want more than anything to share the future with him but I can?t spend the rest of my life like this. I am certain that he will not be with her again but she is not the only female in the world. What if we have problems in our marriage? How can I be sure he won?t run to someone else to get the things he is not getting from me? I want so much to have a good healthy marriage but is that actually possible now? Will I ever be able to fully trust him again or will there always be a small portion of doubt lingering in the back of my mind? This has changed my whole entire life. It has even changed my thoughts and views on people in general. I used to think that even though I hadn?t had much luck that there were actually good decent men in the world. I thought I had actually found one of the rare breeds. But now I?m starting to believe that all males are injected with a worm at birth. That this worm stays inside them through their lives and grows bigger until it just can?t be contained anymore and has to surface in one form or fashion. The scary part is that I have a son that I love very much and the thought of him hurting someone the way I have been hurt is really disturbing. Yes I agree I am a very deranged individual. But just like everyone else in this wide world I will keep searching for answers to all my questions and hope that God in all his wisdom will continue to lead me in the right direction.

The Betrayal

2004-07-13T22:45:00.000-05:00

With time comes change and so many things have changed. I was doing well concerning my father. I made it through Father's Day. I sent him a card but didn't see him. It was quite pleasant actually to not have to search for the perfect gift only to be disappointed when he just sets them aside. We instead spent the day with my father in law who in the past eight years has been more of a father to me than mine has ever been.

I was actually kind of proud of myself for not feeling guilty. There were a couple of weeks when I felt like I could function without him in my life. Then came the 4th of July. We found out my husband was going to have to work so I was planning something simple for me and the kids. We had to go out to the lake on the 3rd because my husband needed to speak to some people about a business he is trying to start. The kids and I tagged along. I thought they might enjoy the water while my husband was occupied. Needless to say things did not go as planned. They never do when that side of the family is involved. To make a long story shorter my son decided he wanted to stay the night which meant we were obligated to return the next day to retrieve him. We arrived late the next day to find out that my son was at a different location only reachable by boat. And guess what? There weren't any available boats. So my husband and I ended up on the docks with my father and two of his friends from out of town. The company of the other gentleman was pleasant even fun. Then somehow I ended up alone with him. He was drunk and started all the old lectures about how badly I have screwed up my life. He also proceeded to tell me that he is starting this business for us (me and my sister and the kids) for without his help we would never be able to make it on our own. His drunken lecture seemed to go on forever and the more I drank the more I found myself wanting to believe what was being said. It is almost like I had an out of body experience. Part of me was looking down screaming at me and setting off sirens. But then there was that little girl. She wanted so badly to believe. She wanted to embrace him and tell him how much she loves him. We went home the next day and I somehow felt wiser but filled with more confusion at the same time. And now I find myself wondering if I will ever truly be able to let go.

There has been another quite dramatic change in my life. The relationship between me and my husband has been damaged. Two days ago I found out he has been corresponding with an Ex girlfriend. No big deal right? We are after all happily married. Well that is what I thought until now. He says they are just friends but according to her she still has some pretty strong feelings for him. I know that I should feel secure in his love for me but I don't. All of my old insecurities are starting to surface again. Is she prettier than me? Was she better in bed? Was she less demanding? The questions are endless. I want so much to believe him when he says he only loves me but I can't help but feel there are pieces missing to this puzzle. The anger was the first to surface. Then the tears and now a flood of emotions. Sometimes when I look at him my love is so strong that I feel like my heart is going to burst from my chest. And I wonder if he has ever felt that way about me. I know if he ever was to leave there would be an unfillable hole in my life. He has spent the last two days trying to reassure me about his feelings but there are certain circumstances when actions speak louder than words. If he really does love me the way he says then why would he hurt me like this? I have always had very strong opinions about people who cheat. And I could never understand why the person who was cheated would let the other person back into their hearts. Now I think I am starting to understand. No he didn't cheat in the physical since but in a way this is almost worse, because there is no way I can crawl into his mind or his heart to know how he really feels about her or what he is really thinking. All I have is what he gives me. Unfortunately right now that is just not enough. But at the same time I can't really pin point what it is that I do need from him. We have made love several times since this has happened. Each time I have been transported to another time and place. A time when I felt so secure in his love. A place where I felt nothing would ever break the bond we have. But something has changed. Always before after love making I felt a sweet bliss come over me. A feeling that we had just made our bond with each other stronger and more resilient. But now when we are through I feel a burning ache inside. A void. A desire that I fear can never be met. A longing for more. A feeling of sadness that it has ended. A fear that if I let him leave he may never come back. I just want so much to hold him and never let go. With each moment we are not together the yearning to feel him close grows stronger. The logical side of my brain says it is ridiculous, that we can?t possibly spend the rest of our lives together in bed. So for now I will continue to question my longing for love.

Rage!

2004-06-26T17:02:00.000-05:00

The other night my husband and I got into an argument. I told him that I felt betrayed because he was doing work for my father. I told him that he was choosing my father over me and that my father would just use him and then throw him away.

I yelled at him for about an hour, and then I cried. My husband said it was a good thing for me to finally release the anger, and I feel better today then I have in a while. But the whole truth is that I didn?t allow myself to let it all go. There is still a part of me, even though it is smaller now that wants revenge for that small little girl that was rejected for so many years.

The anger and the hurt have been my guard and my shield for so long now and I am afraid to let it go. I am afraid that if I let my wall come down that I will be opening myself up to more pain. How can you stand strong against a monster without a shield or sword? It is so easy for me to fall back into my old way of thinking.

For example, I have been thinking about the argument I had with my husband and maybe the truth is that I feel betrayed by my father, not my husband. This of course is supposed to be a ?family? thing. So maybe I?m jealous that they called and wanted my husband involved but not me.

There is such a big part of me that wants to know what I did to make him hate me so much. Why was I never included? Why didn?t he love me?

This is so crazy!

I have said repeatedly that I don?t trust him and that I don?t want to have anything to do with him anymore.

So why am I still letting him hurt my feelings?
If I really do have a wall then how does he keep seeping in?
Am I ever going to be strong enough to defeat him?
Can I ever fully let go of the pain?

I am tired of being the puppet but I don?t know how to cut the strings. I have so many plans for the future but the Tarot says I have hurdles I need to overcome before I will be allowed to move on. I don?t know much, but I do know that more than anything I need change in my life. One of my very favorite movies is Fried Green Tomatoes. There is a scene in that movie where Kathy Bates? husband asks her what has changed and she says ?the air and the light?. This is what I am searching for.

This is what I desperately want.

Taking Money from the Devil

2004-06-17T17:35:00.000-05:00

Do you ever ask yourself why me?
What have I ever done that is so bad that I deserve this?

I ask myself that question a lot, but then I feel guilty. I know that there are people in this wide world that are suffering more than I am. I have been told over and over that you have to keep a positive attitude and keep your faith strong. Sometimes I just get tired of fighting all the time to keep my head above water.

I want to know why some people have it so easy and some people spend their whole lives struggling. And have you ever noticed that the majority of the people who have to struggle are the ones that live by God?s word. They are the people who go out of their way to help others and try to make the world a better place. Shouldn?t it be the other way around? Shouldn?t? the good people be rewarded, and the bad people be the ones to suffer? And if you tell me that I will get my reward in heaven I will have to scream!

Every day that I can?t go to the store and buy my children what they need and want, I hate my father even more. He has everything that money can buy and he baits my children with these things. What child do you know that doesn?t want the latest newest toy? I can always hope that someday when they are grown they can look back and see that I did the best I could, but right now that does not mean squat to them. How should I expect them not to be tempted, when as an adult I am tempted?

If child molesters can bait children into their cars with candy how far do you think a grandfather can get with a playstation or an electric scooter? And how dare he try to bait me after everything he has done in the past. Starting a ?family? business. As if I was ever part of the family.

He knows that is the one thing I always wanted, to feel like I belong. I am grown now and I know better. He will use me until he gets what he wants and then he will through me aside like he always does. So why am I even sitting here contemplating this?

Because damn it, it would be nice for once to be able to pay my bills on time and not have to worry about how I am going to feed my children this week. And I hate myself for letting him reel me in this way. But I hate him even more for trying to bait my husband, and I am angry as hell at the fact that my husband is taking his bait. Have you ever heard the phrase ?keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer?? This is how my husband explains it to me, but I know that is only part of it. And how can I blame him really?

The pay off is a lot bigger than an electric scooter.
But would you take money from the Devil?

Emotions

2004-06-15T22:37:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning filled with anger and a feeling of despair. Unfortunately my kids have been the brunt of it. They have been cleaning their rooms for quite a while today. I feel like my whole world is spinning and I have no control. This is very hard for me because I am a control freak. I have always tried to be in control over my life. Even though God and I have gone a round or two about my hard headedness. I hate this feeling and I hate myself for letting him control my feelings. It is like I'm a puppet and he decides which way I move. Everything in my being says stand up and face him as a grown women, but that frightened little girl says there is no way to defeat a monster. It sometimes feels like my brain has been split in two. One side tells me that everything I have learned is true. That this is a bad man and I have to protect my babies from this danger, but the other side tells me that it has all been a big mistake. That someone I grew up loving and trying to please for so long has somehow changed. And that small girl still desperately wants his love. I know what I have to do, but I know there will be a price to pay and I know that I will never be the same person I used to be.

Worry Nibbles

2004-06-14T19:08:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning filled with anger and a feeling of despair. Unfortunately my kids have been the brunt of it. They have been cleaning their rooms for quite a while today. I feel like my whole world is spinning and I have no control. This is very hard for me because I am a control freak. I have always tried to be in control over my life.

Even though God and I have gone a round or two about my hard headedness. I hate this feeling and I hate myself for letting him control my feelings. It is like I m a puppet and he decides which way I move. Everything in my being says stand up and face him as a grown women. But that frightened little girl says there is no way to defeat a monster.

It sometimes feels like my brain has been split in two. One side tells me that everything I have learned is true. That this is a bad man and I have to protect my babies from this danger. But the other side tells me that it has all been a big mistake. That someone I grew up loving and trying to please for so long has somehow changed. And that small girl still desperately wants his love. I know what I have to do, but I know there will be a price to pay and I know that I will never be the same person I used to be.

Coming to Terms

2004-06-09T21:55:00.000-05:00

I haven't spoken to him in almost a week.

In a way that is a relief, but it is also scary because I know when he does call he is going to want something. He never calls to say hi or because he wants to know if I am still breathing. He only calls when he wants something. He wants my son.

If I had only been lucky like my sister and had only given birth to girls then this nightmare would be over. But if I didn?t have my son, I would be missing out on all the wonderful things that my son has brought to my life. My father lives in a very dark lonely world and that is why he feels the need to posses the beautiful light that is my child.

My mother tried to warn me. She spent most of my life trying to tell me about the monster in my life, but I didn't believe her. I didn?t want to believe her. In fact there were times in my life that I thought she was crazy. I believed that she was jealous of the relationship I had with my father. Of course now I know I never really had a relationship with this man, it was all just a fantasy that I had built up in my head. I had to believe the fantasy because the reality of it all hurt to bad. And the sad but simple truth of this is if I had been born a male he might have loved me. Having a son, someone to carry on his name, his legacy was all he cared about.

There is so much that I didn't know. So much that a young child can't possibly understand. I spent so many years of my life chasing this man. Begging him to love me. Wanting so much to feel included and wanted. I knew that I couldn't change my gender, but I thought that if I stood by him if I defended him, if I kept loving him he would someday realize that he loved me.

Everyone close to him always told me that he just didn?t know how to show affection. That he was never taught how to be loving. So for many years I forgave him. But now I know the truth. He never could show love because he doesn?t have a heart. He pretended for a very long time. Part of the disguise. But the day he threatened to take my son away from me the disguise melted away and I saw the empty place in his chest.

There are only three more days until the weekend comes and I am dreading the phone call. It will be him, and he is going to want my son. Just say no right? One more thing that I have learned in all these years is that if you say no, if you disobey you will be punished. And I know that if I disobey I will suffer the ultimate punishment. He will take my son. Maybe not today or next week but it will be coming.

The Frightened Little Girl

2004-06-08T17:26:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you are too afraid to run, but you are even more afraid to stay where you are? Have you ever joked that your life is like a soap opera, but you are only laughing so you donâ€™t cry? Would you go back and stop the clock and make things different, knowing that changing the past would mean changing everything about your future? Have you ever been afraid of the monster in the closet or the one that lives under the bed? The only reason that parents tell their children that monsters donâ€™t exist is because the parents know that some monsters can not be defeated. So we lie to make our babies feel safe. But what do you do when the monster is your father and the grandfather to your children? Monsters are hard to defeat because they are very clever. They know how to disguise themselves so that they appear to be normal people. They dress well, they live in nice houses and they drive new cars. They even pretend to have hearts. My father never beat me in fact he never laid a hand on me. I loved my father and I guess a part of me always will. He just never loved me. The hardest part is that I didnâ€™t realize this until I was 30 years old. My son thinks his grandfather is a god. He looks at him the same way I used to. How do you protect your child from someone they love and trust?